March 10, 2005

Sheryl Crow

Sometimes, if there isn’t a cut line, I have no clue it’s Sheryl Crow. Sometimes I mistake her for the gal who played Yola, Chris Isaak’s manager on his dearly departed TV series.

Miss Sheryl excels at many musical things.
She gracefully upholds the finer traditions of classic rock.
She has a pleasant and distinctive singing voice.
She’s a knowledgeable and consistent songwriter.
She understands the importance of a juicy radio single and always delivers jewels.
She is an utterly amazing producer.

This is, obviously, not enough for Sheryl, and that’s fine. In today’s multi-hyphenate entertainment world, it’s a gal’s right to stretch a little. But all of Sheryl’s leaps outside the car that brought her phhhhhwap like a punctured tire.

I’m not even thinking about her acting in The Minus Man (basically playing herself as a junkie), or her scenery-chewing turn in De-Lovely. What I really mean is that Sheryl Crow wants to be A STAR!

No, not a rock star (been there, bored with that). Today, anyone can be that as long as your PR people say so. Miss Crow wants to be A Stahh! As in a cover of any magazine, idol of all demographics, cut my hair like yours, recipes she feeds to her man, when is the doll coming out Mega Celebrity Star Baby.

She’s got all the behaviors down, but just can’t pull them off with the cool coco butter tanning breeze that true superstardom requires. For instance, what the fuck was she doing on the cover of Ladies' Home Journal talking about surviving depression and Owen Wilson? The typical middle-class SUV soccer Mom reader didn’t recognize who it was that broke the heart of “that lady who sings that one song.”

And then there’s the more recent Look At My Boyfriend appearances. Oprah on a Friday, where she sings her love song (and newest release, naturally) to Lance. Then the Grammy’s that Sunday, where she dedicates a god awful dress to him, giggles like a teenager, and makes everyone very uncomfortable. Why does she do these things to herself, and to us?

Sheryl Crow is like the absolutely coolest burnout girl in the high school smoking area deciding to try out for cheerleader while dosing on some powerful microdot. It feels great to her, but we must stop her before she Art Linkletter Daughters off the administration building.

3 comments:

Joe said...

Add to the list of Sheryl's boyfriend/Lance showoff moves... she had his car done on "Overhaulin'" one of my secret fav TLC shows.

D said...

Hate to burst your bubble--the one in which Sheryl Crow is doin' it for the cool kids--but the minivan-drivin' soccer moms are ALL ABOUT Sheryl these days, and probably make up the majority of her fan base. (What did you think they listened to--Barbra Streisand and Gloria Estefan?) Trust me: When the average Ladies' Home Journal subscriber has a Rose Gumbo Biker Chick Fantasy Moment, she's "rockin'" to "Soak up the Sun" or "All I Wanna Do." Listen to "Home" on the second album for a definitive Housewife Moment; tell me she doesn't have her finger on the pulse of every 30- or 40something woman trudging the aisles of Sam's Club buying juiceboxes in bulk!

Anonymous said...

Currently my least favorite singer is none other than Sheryl Crow. The horrendous vocal abilities of this woman even out do that of J-Lo. While J-Lo screeches her songs in Mariah Carey-esque octaves, Sheryl wouldn't know an octave if it bit her in the ass. Her voice has no range whatsoever, it is flat and monotone and is more of a drawn out form of talking than it is any type of singing. I can't change the radio station fast enough whenever one of her songs come on. In a word Sheryl Crow is AWFUL!!