Sometimes, if there isn’t a cut line, I have no clue it’s Sheryl Crow. Sometimes I mistake her for the gal who played Yola, Chris Isaak’s manager on his dearly departed TV series.
Miss Sheryl excels at many musical things.
She gracefully upholds the finer traditions of classic rock.
She has a pleasant and distinctive singing voice.
She’s a knowledgeable and consistent songwriter.
She understands the importance of a juicy radio single and always delivers jewels.
She is an utterly amazing producer.
This is, obviously, not enough for Sheryl, and that’s fine. In today’s multi-hyphenate entertainment world, it’s a gal’s right to stretch a little. But all of Sheryl’s leaps outside the car that brought her phhhhhwap like a punctured tire.
I’m not even thinking about her acting in The Minus Man (basically playing herself as a junkie), or her scenery-chewing turn in De-Lovely. What I really mean is that Sheryl Crow wants to be A STAR!
No, not a rock star (been there, bored with that). Today, anyone can be that as long as your PR people say so. Miss Crow wants to be A Stahh! As in a cover of any magazine, idol of all demographics, cut my hair like yours, recipes she feeds to her man, when is the doll coming out Mega Celebrity Star Baby.
She’s got all the behaviors down, but just can’t pull them off with the cool coco butter tanning breeze that true superstardom requires. For instance, what the fuck was she doing on the cover of Ladies' Home Journal talking about surviving depression and Owen Wilson? The typical middle-class SUV soccer Mom reader didn’t recognize who it was that broke the heart of “that lady who sings that one song.”
And then there’s the more recent Look At My Boyfriend appearances. Oprah on a Friday, where she sings her love song (and newest release, naturally) to Lance. Then the Grammy’s that Sunday, where she dedicates a god awful dress to him, giggles like a teenager, and makes everyone very uncomfortable. Why does she do these things to herself, and to us?
Sheryl Crow is like the absolutely coolest burnout girl in the high school smoking area deciding to try out for cheerleader while dosing on some powerful microdot. It feels great to her, but we must stop her before she Art Linkletter Daughters off the administration building.