May 01, 2005

Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes

Mr. Cruise announces the new girlfriend, and echoing rounds of punch lines fill the canyon. The most wickedly funny cracks circle Cruise’s alleged homosexuality, as if taunting him to sue yet again over bits like:
On last night’s Access Hollywood, Katie Holmes’ father, Martin Holmes, released a statement saying he is “happy and excited” about his daughter’s relationship with Tom Cruise. Of course he is – it’s not like she’s going to be fucking him.
- - Noelle Hancock at Gawker.

My gut instinct says he’s completely incapable of anything but self-love, if even that. Tom Cruise, Inc. (TCI) is the ultimate Hollywood corporation, and corporations are not sexy. He is not copulating with Katie Holmes, but incorporating, which is why it feels such the bloodless union.

The media’s yawning cynicism comes from how blatant TCI was about introducing its latest merger. After years of international trade, he’s returned to the American Stock Exchange with Virgin Barbie (blockbuster movie ticket accessories sold separately). The media’s distrust of TCI motives is based on the notoriously private CEO’s paramour behavior. Most fledgling Hollywood romances try to retain a bit of privacy until the paparazzi hits the fans. Cruise is the only one to make sure that even Aunt Ethel in Paducha knows of the new acquisition. The press gets a week to bask in the love before the boardroom doors shut out the prying eyes of investors.

When dealing with an empire as powerful as TCI, nothing is left to chance. Tom does not casually make merger offers over a late lunch, sealing the deal with a handshake and a new car. No, terms are minutely detailed with lawyers present, and a notary public conveniently pops out of a closet as “the love object” reaches for the pen to sign the contract. It makes me a little sad to realize that the seemingly sweet Katie Holmes has grown into an aggressive power player, but I am impressed with her courage to risk a merger with a company that is not as stable as it once was.

Chairman Pat Kingsley’s resignation resulted in increased Scientology output and reduced box office scores. Penelope Cruz proved that being a Tom Cruise mate is no longer a sure thing; seems only Nicole Kidman knew how to fully work the investment. Miss Holmes is obviously aware of these factors, for evidence shows negotiations between her and TCI went on for many months.

She expertly dropped a merger hint in October 2004. By early 2005, Holmes fiancé Chris Klein is ejected, and loads of liquor didn’t deaden the mechanical cruelty of it all. The final 2 months of negotiations must have been grueling, for all traces of Katie’s personality have been erased, replaced with the glazed look of one who diligently follows daily Dow Jones figures. It appears that she has sacrificed the things that made her unique for the good of TCI.

Despite her deft financial wrangling, I worry that young Katie is not yet savvy enough to disguise Tom’s business strategy with a veneer of romance. In that crucial press release moment, she accidentally disposed of any romantic pretense. For the sake of what remains of her soul, I hope she can bluff her way to victory.


JonL said...

I for one would consider shorting this stock.

Anonymous said...

This is the funniest thing I ever read on any blog - ever!