April 23, 2005

Owen Wilson AARP

Hollywood's crystal ball shows Robin Williams, in The House of D, foreshadowing the Butterscotch Stallion's twilight years.

April 21, 2005

Gen X Regrets

Please, for the love of Cher, puh-lease don’t make a sequel to Pretty in Pink. There’s no clamor for it, James Spader no longer has that hair, and to reunite Molly Ringwald and Andrew McCarthy is to wake a sleeping junk yard dog.

Brooke Shields, please stop pimping your child. If you have any lingering Mother Issues, remember that she began pimping you at 11 months. Admit that you’re repeating moves from her Godzilla Stage Mother playbook. Realize that only you can break the chain.

Central Casting finally brought John Cusack and Diane Lane together for a movie. The other obvious generational pairing would be John Cusack and Matt Dillon. Since Lane & Dillon have already teamed twice, go for the trifecta with Lane, Dillon & Cusack in a remake of Tequila Sunrise. If that sounds cheesy, it’s a hell of a lot better than what Dillon's up to at this moment.

In regards to all the New Wave nostalgia, compilations and advertising, it must be said that many of us in the Midwest risked our lives and sullied our reputations for liking the B-52s in 1979. Puberty was hard enough, and hiding a Blondie obsession behind a false Black Sabbath front just added to the pressure. Outside of Missouri, did large groups of 13 year olds really smoke Kools and play Spin The Bottle with Lene Lovich on the stereo? Did Martha & the Muffins “Echo Beach” really get the party started? I can’t shake the feeling that it’s all Wishful Remembering, and that a handful of well-paid 38 year old ad agency execs are getting the last laugh on the Lynyrd Skynyrd fans who melted their Devo vinyl.

April 17, 2005

Reel Men Are Gay

We assume that most actors are gay. Is that because of the primping and preening that goes on backstage, or the child-like aspect of assuming another character? Or is this a relatively recent phenomenon, coming in the wake of learning that such masculine icons as Cary Grant and Rock Hudson were (respectively) bi-sexual and gay? Do we now think that the more sophisticated and/or masculine an actor is, the more he’s hiding that he’s a Big ‘Mo?

I have a rather convoluted and wholly unscientific theory as to why this often happens.

Heterosexuals respond to their opposite-gender star in vastly different ways. As a sweeping generalization, men picture having sex with an actress while women fantasize having a relationship with an actor. In the real world of adulterous affairs, when a guy is caught cheating, he wishes his gal could understand it was just sex. When a gal is caught cheating, the guy gets pissed because he knows it’s about way more than sex.

The Average Jill watches Richard Gere and imagines herself on their Tibetan honeymoon. The Average Joe resents this fantasy and thus says Richard Gere is a big fag. To back up this crackpot theory, note that the story of the gerbil up Gere’s bum started around the same time he was seen, on screen, carrying Debra Winger out of the factory and into romantic iconography.

So the more straight women there are digging a certain actor, the more straight men will say and/or assume the actor’s gay. It’s a form of self-preservation.

I pretty much match the sweeping generalization, except I divide actors up into 3 categories:

Johnny Depp
James Spader (pre-TV)
John Cusack
Billy Crudup
Ewan McGregor
Matthew McConaughey
Dennis Quaid
Benjamin Bratt
George Clooney
Peter Sarsgaard
Gael Garcia Bernal
Greg Kinnear
Steve Martin
Christian Bale
Owen Wilson

There is one special category:
Matt Dillon

Oh, it all sounds so superficial silly girl party cute, and that’s the point. But that list also represents some of my very favorite actors who make movies I watch over and over again because they satisfy my soul. I’ve also carried on intricately detailed fantasy relationships with the last 4 names on that list, even while in real-world relationships with real-world men. In fact, the reason I believe the version of Matt Dillon I’ve created in my head is the ideal husband for me is because I’ve “been with him” since 1979. Every guy I’ve ever dated has lost a little mental space to Mr. Dillon. All types of boys and men come and go, but Matt has been a constant. I wish he’d get married just so I can stop pining away for him! Hell, maybe I should get married so I’d quit pining….nah.

I do need to stress the light tone surrounding all this, even when I’m serious. None of these actors need worry that I’ll show up on their doorstep. I have never - nor will I ever - go out of my way to meet any of them. The truth could very well ruin the sterling reputations that I’ve bestowed upon them. It’s all a harmless fantasy world, and from what I hear, they’re all gay.