March 14, 2006

George Clooney vs. Teri Hatcher

I believe George Clooney when he says he never dated Teri Hatcher, and I feel bad that he’s been dragged into her quivering mass of whack despite his efforts to avoid any serious entanglement with her.

Clooney is an experienced lady’s man, and can surely sniff out a clinging vine before it takes root. That he’s a Hollywood veteran probably gives him radar that can sense opportunists. Also, doesn’t he seem like the type of guy who’d steer clear of this:
“I have so much pain,” says Teri Hatcher. “I’m a woman who carries around all these layers of fear and vulnerability. I’m trying to be my powerful me.”

Thankfully, just cataloged all the problems I have with Miss Hatcher, and saved me the time it would have taken to say it in a more diplomatic manner. To sum it up:
Teri Hatcher is a lunatic. Much like Kim Basinger, even a blind man can sense that a haze of neurotic craziness hangs over her. Her aura is testosterone unfriendly.

The Clooney-Hatcher Saga in a Nut(job)shell:
  • Hatcher starts a rumor that she and Clooney are dating by denying that she and Clooney are dating, thus causing Clooney’s people to substantiate it by denying it.

  • But Clooney does concede that he went to dinner with her once. They ate at a place he frequents because he’s never bothered by the press. But funny enough, the night he takes Hatcher to that restaurant, there’s press waiting outside at the end of the evening. That hoary PR shenanigan killed Hatcher’s chances of even being his pal.

  • Then Hatcher reveals her childhood sex abuse to Vanity Fair. She also reveals that being “emotionally shattered” by a Hollywood Mystery Man is what prompted her to finally confess her horrible secret. It then gets leaked to the press that Clooney is that Mysterious Heartbreaking Cad.

  • Hatcher issues an “official” statement defending Clooney, saying he is not the man that crushed her like a little sparrow. Clooney issues a statement that all this mickey mouse takes away from Hatcher’s brave decision to reveal her secret.

Much like a stalker pulling any stunt to keep the victim engaged, Hatcher, in her precisely orchestrated battle against “tabloid sensationalism,” keeps throwing Clooney’s name into the mix. Why Clooney responds at all is a mystery; it just perpetuates Hatcher’s warped sense of connection.

But one thing about stalkers: They will stop bothering you once they find a new victim.
In Touch Weekly claims she’s now (ahem) dating Ryan Seacrest.
After snorting soda out the nose, note that Miss Hatcher’s “friend” calls Seacrest the “anti-George.” Note that a funny fuse has been blown.

Mr. Clooney, please take this opportunity to fully remove yourself from the Hatcher Job. Much like her face, it’s only going to get messier, and you’re supposed to be too smart to drown in the desperation.

Good Night and Good Luck
George Clooney